I’m sure you’ve heard the news: times are tough. It’s bad all over. One day you’re being told to ask yourself “could it get any worse?” and the next day you’re being told that it has. Fuck! Now you’re jobless, broke, in debt and living out of a 1983 Micro Winnie, trading yardwork and sexual favors for a new transmission. It just ain’t fair. Someone oughta do something.

But fear no more! Your good buddies in the fast food industry have broken down the barriers and put forth groundbreaking new measures to keep you and your family afloat. Why, this is exactly the kind of bail-out that the government fat cats won’t let you have!

First, a real-life Dominos CEO stoops to your level by suiting up in a delivery-guy costume. Reach out to that workin’ man, Dave!

So whatever you do, remember to keep doing what you’ve already been doing. And by that I mean gorging yourself on $6 junk food “value meals” instead of, say, buying some rice and potatoes and cooking at home. Americans have always been excellent at sacrificing all to keep our great nation alive, so I’m confident we’ll pull through these trying times. In the mean time, you’ll do well to take a cue from the Dollar Menu Millionaire: