When I first heard the the FCC had mandated the transition to all-digital television broadcasts, I was suspicious. In fact, I broke out the full-on crankypants rant routine. “Fuck that shit!”, I said, momentarily irritated enough to put down my delicious can of Hamm’s. “They just want me to spend two grand on a fancy new plasma TV.” And that wasn’t something I was about to do.

In fact, I hate this nerdy new pissing contest for technologically-savvy Neanderthals. The electronics industry can take their dozens of hi-def TV, DVD, DVR and gaming standards and shove ‘em up their ass. (Hell, we’ll lump the whole surround sound gimmick in there too.) It’s amazing how this pervasive electronics-lust permeates even the more conscious consumers out there. Somehow these folks think nothing odd of driving a Prius or insisting on sustainable organic farmers’ market yuppie food– while their living room houses a giant, overpriced, debt-laden SUV of an entertainment system.

Well, that shit ain’t for me. Our only television is a 20″ flat CRT I picked up at the Goodwill outlet (back in the “good ol’ days” before I gave up on that place). Netflix and downloaded content (played straight off a thumb drive by an awesome USB-equipped Philips DVD player) more than satisfy our entertainment needs, so we ditched basic cable about a year ago and learned to live with the free broadcast programming pulled in by our shitty rabbit ears. I can’t even remember missing it.

And then the end was announced: the TV part of the analog spectrum was on the auction block (again engorging my rant gland, this time to the tune of “how can they sell something the public owns?!?!”) and I’d be left to plunk down $2000 on a reluctantly adequate plasma monstrosity. To my delight, though, the government all but demanded the production of low-cost converter boxes for old sets. I eagerly put my name in the queue and waited for my $40 coupons to arrive.

In the last few weeks I’ve been casually reading up on the various boxes on the market right now. Hot Shit Candidate Number One is the Echostar TR-40– unfortunately not slated for release until at least June– and therefore possibly unavailable during my paltry 90-day coupon window. Made by the DirectTV people, this one is supposed to have the best features of any box to date. I couldn’t wait that long, but I am reserving my second coupon just in case it hits shelves in time.

In the meantime, my forty Gov’t Electro-Buxx were burning a hole in my pocket. My research dug up this CNet review of the most common boxes– offerred, not surprisingly, by bottom-tier brands like GE and Zenith. Yeah (and here comes the nerd-boner), I wish Sony or Panasonic would design a nice version of these. But this is all we’ve got, and since we’re lumped into a group of consumers comprised mostly of nursing homes and muffler shop waiting rooms, there’s no choice but to pick the lesser evil.

Fearing the audio problems of the Zenith DTT900, I chose the RCA DTA800(b). After a night of light use, I can say that although the UI sorta sucks and practically nothing about it is sexy– the reception is great. We’re pulling in crystal-clear versions of channels that were previously fuzzy at best. Unfortunately there’s no auto-detection of widescreen content, so I have to manually switch aspect ratios when flipping between fancy PBS nature documentaries and King of the Hill reruns. But as a whole, this is a huge improvement. ION comes in now, for the first time ever, as do a boatload of useless Christian channels featuring XTREEME gen-X X-boarders X-in’ it up for the big X. It’s pretty fuckin’ inspirational.