This summer, our local crap paper has been drumming up bicyclist versus car clashes and generally trying to insinuate that there’s a “war” going on between modes of transportation. It sounds pretty ridiculous, and it is. Unfortunately, it’s now gained a bit of traction in the national media. Crap magazines such as Newsweek have picked up the non-story. Meanwhile, someone in the Oregonian’s stagnant reporter pool practically shits themselves every time someone punches a bus. OMG! Breaking news!

What, are we some backwater hick town with nothing better to report on? Maybe we are. And maybe the Oregonian’s batting for the suburbs– whose residents stereotypically “hate” cyclists, liberals and oh-so-painful gas prices. Taxes, straight marriage, and children (raised right!) are the core values that make the suburbs as great as they are today. And today, as I read oregonlive.com I noticed another potential threat to law, order, God, country and your dumbass offspring: windows.

Yes, windows. In the past six weeks, The Oregonian has posted at least nine screamingly urgent stories about kids falling out of windows. Thank you for keeping us informed about the stories we need to know about! Truly this is the most pressing issue of our day.

First the anarchist bicyclists want to get in your way. Now the gaping square menace lurks in the shadows, ready to cast your namesake onto the earth like a rag doll! I’m telling you people, watch out. They’ll kill your baby and raise your gas prices! I swear next time I see one of those liberal commie anarchist windows on the street they better think twice about messing with me. Or my kids!