Oh, Black Friday 2008! You’ve killed at least three, riled the morbidly obese into shivering, blustery rage and reminded all the poor people once again why they should turn to the various Rent-A-Centers for their entertainment needs, not outright ownership. (Silly poor people! Get back on that vicious circle of credit abuse and high-interest debt!)

So everyone’s bitching about the ugly specacle that we’ve become, and pretty much every man, woman and child with an opinion seems to think this is a new development fostered by the media, or by the recession, or by the Great Internet Satan.

But I must ask: since when was Christmas shopping civil? Since when was it a somber, reflective ritual dedicated to the celebration of Jesus? No, it’s always sucked. It was stressful and tiresome as a child, and even worse now that I’m an adult– not only do I have to drive through that mall traffic, I’ve actually gotta pay for stuff. Lame!

But maybe that old biblical suffering-and-sacrifice thing is what we need more of. Were we stooping through the malls, giant wooden crucifix upon our shoulders, feet bleeding profusely? No! While you were callously 1-Click-Ordering your wares with that sweet Amazon Prime membership, feeding tube in place and faith sufficiently atrophied, 2008’s brave Christian Patriots were out there trampling, cussing, and causing misery for us all to reflect upon. How you gonna be thankful when someone you love hasn’t been shot to death in the aisle of Toys ‘R’ Us? God, I love this country.